The Strangest Astrology You Have Ever Read

Whether you like reading your daily, monthly or life horoscopes, or you despise that activity believing it’s a charlatan thing; this “astrological” description of each of the twelve signs would make you smile. And also, don’t take it too seriously, it’s just for fun. If you find any of your character traits in the below written, it’s not our fault, that’s what the stars say.

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1 Aries

You are loyal, hard working, and trustworthy, which helps explain why you are a minimum wage flunky, but you already know this, right? You have no special skills not involving a broom. Most likely, you drive a used car with empty fast food sacks under the front seats, because you believe that you are too good for cleaning, or maybe because you murdered your maid because she mouthed back at you.

Aries

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2 Taurus

You are persistent and determined when striving for a goal, but have no clue how to achieve it. All your friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence (at least to your face). Research shows that if Taurus people were not counted in student tests, grade point averages in this country would rise 4.5 percent. Also, if you were focused more on studying than on picking where next to eat; you might have as well had better grades.

Taurus

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3 Gemini

You are extraordinarily intelligent and articulate, and those around you appreciate intelligence in someone so unattractive. Geminis are known to become more repulsive as they grow older; future looks bleak. Your friends still love you, but they would always set you up with the ugly friend.

Gemini

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4 Cancer

You are conservative and against taking risks, of course we don’t have to remind you. This makes you the dullest person in your circle of friends (if you have any friends), especially considering your utter lack of ambition and/or imagination. There has never been a Cancer who has amounted to anything. Ignore your fantasy of meeting your favorite actor/actress since he/she wouldn’t like you either. And stop crying over everything for heaven’s sake.

Cancer

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5 Leo

You are compassionate, understanding, and sympathetic; that’s why you are known among friends as a sucker. Surprised? We bet you thought you were the most popular, the smartest and the prettiest one. Your parents secretly gave your brothers and sisters hundreds of toys, and while you slept the rest of the family ate your favorite meal. You wore hand-me-downs even though you were the oldest child. But, hey, you felt great, so why the sad face?

Leo

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6 Virgo

Virgos are clever and able to achieve notoriety; that’s why your friends regard you as a self-centered boor. If you were at all likable, friends would pity you; as it is, no one ever thinks about you. No Virgo has ever been elected to public office. Also, stop criticizing others, because, even though you don’t believe in that, you have faults too.

Virgo

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7 Libra

You are shrewd in business matters and can usually get your way with others. That’s why everyone despises you and wish you to fail. Your closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you. That’s right, that’s why you never get your invitations. Co-workers often mimic your poor posture. And yes, you aren’t the prettiest of them all.

Libra

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8 Scorpio –

You are optimistic, enthusiastic, and ambitious. Too bad you have no talent. Most Scorpios end up in prison or on welfare, and it has been documented that all Scorpios have husbands or wives who cheat. There has never been a Scorpio with a successful marriage, and all Scorpios have less-than-average children. Stop reading this, go and spy on your spouse.

Scorpio

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9 Sagittarius

You are artistic and imaginative, but that stems from your warped view of reality. Very few people admit to being a Sagittarian, but the rest of us know who you are because all Sagittarians are left-handed. If you are not left-handed, your mother has lied to you about your birth date as part of a cover-up. Maybe you should also ask her who your real father is.

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Sagittarius

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10 Capricorn

Capricorns can often be trained to be fairly good bus drivers and reasonably successful shoe sales clerks, but they cannot be taught to succeed at personal relationships. You probably have no social plans for the weekend anyway, but if so, they will result in disaster. Also, it’s a well known fact that Capricorns have no sex appeal to go along with their inordinately powerful sex drive. Only, the finest London escorts can satisfy you. Have you picked what movie will you watch this weekend? By yourself of course…

Capricorn

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11 Aquarius

You are inventive and imaginative, which explains your habitual lying. Because Aquarians, just like Capricorns, have no sex appeal whatsoever, they are fortunate to have no sexual drive. Of course, everyone regards you as being dense, but you never notice. Your idea of fine food usually involves some form of hot dogs.

Aquarius

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12 Pisces

Your idea that you are attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that. Hair in nose presents social handicap for you, but you think that it should not be removed. You also suck at spelling.

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Pisces

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